51

I'm turning fifty-one tomorrow. Not sure if I'm relieved or a little disappointed that it isn't another milestone birthday. It would be difficult to beat last year's celebration: a roomful of people I love singing happy birthday, contributing to a cause I believe in.

A year ago today, I was stressing over my speech. Fifteen minutes later, it was all over. Over but not forgotten, that is. It just so happens to be immortalized on YouTube and you can listen to it here if you have the time, fifteen minutes to be exact.

My birthday speech took stock of a whole decade, no wait, a lifetime. This year, I'm reflecting on the first year of my sixth decade via blog-entry format.

One thing I've realized this year is that I've stopped counting how long I would have been married to my ex-husband had we stayed together. I am even losing track of how long we have been apart. A friend of mine once told me it takes four years to recover from a failed marriage. I didn't believe her when I started my ending, but guess what? It'll be four years this March... and the kids are alright!

Time to press refresh and make new memories. Time to declutter this old heart and open it up to new love.

What else have I done lately? Well, I haven't accomplished a whole lot of personal growth. It's been more of an existence really, but it'll have to do for now, at least until my boy is a little older. I do use the word stateless and mindful a lot, particularly in Facebook posts. It stops my fickle mind from wandering back and forth between regrets and worries. And it reminds me to be grateful for all that I do have today.

It isn't an easy life. Nor is it an exciting one. But at fifty-one, it is a life filled with rich meaning and connection. If you happen to be reading this now, then you are a part of that connection. And for that I am grateful.

Peace out.

xoxo

I Miss The Old Me

I miss the old me
The girl who couldn't wait for her life to begin
A future rewritten, all grown up and away.

I miss the old me
The teen who wrote daily with gusto
Mundane details of a boring life that was artful all along.

I miss the old me
The hapless romantic who kissed pillows and posters
Movie star-heroine, walked the wrong way down the aisle still believing.

I miss the old me
The caped crusader who leapt out of bed
To sprint 10k without rest, on her way to save the world and herself.

I miss the old me
The wannabe mother who dreamed
Of the perfect child, who did everything right that was never enough.

I miss the old me
The dreamy deep sleeper
Without worries or pills.

I miss the old me
Looking back through this funnel
With longing and knowing, she'll never be back.